Amály Celeste - May 17 - June 17 - Forever

Amály Celeste - May 17 - June 17 - Forever

There is an ache that takes hold of me
deep at its core
it is an ocean of loss
of love smothered
Amály, my child
Amály
name I still call in my sleep,
with the enormousness of longing
to love her
to mother her
to be frustrated and tired by her
to have bore witness to the life
she would have lived

odd as it is, to embrace the ache is like
holding her again
in the cradle of those
moments in which
she looked back
at me with the 
the brilliance of recognition
"Mami, I know you. I am glad you are here."

it is a month-long ache 
the seventeenth of may to the seventeenth of june
every day weighted by the 
simultaneity of living and remembering
on this day...
I labored for twelve hours
on this day...
she was still in a coma
on this day...
they removed life support
on this day...
we went before Yemaya
on this day
we brought her home
on this day
she took her last breath...

blessed by the ache
blessed by the child
Amály Celeste
forever

May 17, 2008
​Aida Salazar

This poem was written soon after I had given birth to my third child, yet the pain of having lost my first born child persisted, as it does today.  I return to the sentiments here to find refuge in my longing, my ache, my inability to let her go, my insistence of holding her within for all my days.